| Nikki Lopez

| An excerpt from When the Strong Get Tired: Real Caregiving Stories, Real Support (2025)

| The System Let Me Down…And So Did My Circle 

| “I Thought They Would Help. They Didn’t.” 

| No one wants to say it out loud, but here it is: 

Sometimes, the people you thought would be there are not. 

Not your siblings. Not your cousins. Not your best friend. 

The group chat goes silent. The offers to help never turn into action. 

And you are left carrying everything, wondering what you did to deserve the weight.

This chapter is for the grief no one talks about: 

Grief for the people who are still alive… but no longer show up. 

When Siblings Disappear 

You thought you were a team. But now: 

They avoid hard conversations 

They suddenly “don’t know how to help.” 

They argue about money but do not visit 

They tell you all you are ‘doing wrong’ during a quick holiday trip 

They check out because “it is too hard to see them like that.” 

And yet, you are seeing them like this every day. 

It is not just unfair, it is betrayal.

And it hurts. 

When Friends Fall Away 

You used to get calls. Invites. Laughter. Now… silence. 

Maybe they do not understand your schedule. 

Maybe your reality makes them uncomfortable. 

Maybe they just don’t know what to say or how to support you. 

Or maybe they just do not want to deal with it. 

It is painful when people stop checking in. When your world has gotten heavier and theirs has moved on. 

You Start to Wonder: Is It Me?

Let me say this clearly: 

It is not you. 

You are not too emotional.

You are not “trying to be a martyr.” 

You are not doing this for attention. 

You are doing this because someone had to. 

And they chose not to. 

How to Move Forward Without Their Support 

1. Grieve the Loss 

Name it. Feel it. You lost the version of those relationships you thought you had. That is real grief. 

2. Set Boundaries 

You do not owe anyone a performance. You do not have to sugarcoat what is happening. 

• Say no to performative check-ins
• Be honest: “If you are not available to help, that is okay, but I need to stop expecting support that is not coming.

3. Stop Explaining 

You do not have to justify your exhaustion, your absence from events, or your mood. You are in survival mode. Let them misunderstand if they must. 

4. Build a New Circle 

Your support might come from surprising places: 

• A neighbor 
• A coworker who’s been there 
• A support group (in person or online) 
• A hotline (yes, even at 2:00 a.m.) 

These people may not be blood, but they show up. And that matters more. 5. Let Go of the Fantasy The sooner you stop hoping certain people will “come around,” the more room you make for real help, real care, and real peace.

You Deserve to Be Supported 

Whether your family shows up or not. Whether your friends fade or stay. You deserve care, too. 

This book. This chapter. This moment – is your reminder that you are seen.

Nikki Lopez is the founder of Caregiver OneCall and Caring Haven.  A former corporate executive, she transitioned from the boardroom to caregiving after witnessing the struggles of finding quality care for her grandmother.