Aging in America News

| Growing Older Together and Apart

| Jill Poser CGCM, CMC, CDCP

| When a parent begins needing help, families often experience emotional tension alongside logistical overwhelm:

• One sibling believes full-time care is needed; another says, “Mom’s not ready.”
• A parent insists, “I’m fine,” while missing medications or appointments.
• The closest child feels the daily weight of responsibility, while distant siblings feel helpless or disconnected.
• Decisions about finances, health, and housing feel urgent and emotionally charged.

These moments are not evidence of failure. They are the natural experience of people who deeply want to do the right thing yet are navigating circumstances they have never faced before. They may not come from a close-knit or emotionally fluent family system, but there is still often a genuine effort to act with care. Families often underestimate the time, coordination, and emotional energy required to support an aging parent. Conversations that begin with good intentions can quickly become stressful.

The Transition We Don’t Talk About

Conversations about maturity often focus on the transition from adolescence to young adulthood. Yet there is another stage of maturity that quietly unfolds later in life. Many families experience this stage, but few talk about it, even among themselves.

In most families, there comes a time when adult children and their parents begin to relate almost as equals, each managing their own households and lives. The parent becomes a respected advisor, rather than authority. That comfortable, side-by-side relationship can begin to shift when a parent starts facing the challenges of aging. Roles may change gradually, or suddenly in response to a health crisis. Parents who once served as protectors and guides may now need some level of support themselves.

This is the moment when adult children are called to a different kind of growth, often described as filial maturity. It is the recognition that, while you may now be providing support, you are not the parent to your parents. Instead, you hold a mindset of respect for their lifelong role as your parents, even as their needs change. Filial maturity is the emotional capacity that allows adult children to care for aging parents while maintaining balance, perspective, and a healthy sense of self.

Fully embracing this perspective allows families to move through the aging journey with greater emotional stability, preserved dignity, and deeper compassion for one another.

Seeing Parents as People, Not Just Roles

Children begin life with parents as authority figures and caregivers. Their identities center around guiding, protecting, and providing. Over time, that central role naturally shifts.

In early adulthood, the transition toward filial maturity begins as adult children start to see their parents as individuals with histories, limitations, fears, regrets, and dreams that extend beyond the parenting role. Within emotionally healthy families, this deeper understanding can restore equilibrium, allowing relationships to evolve with greater mutual respect and recognition of one another’s shared humanity. 

Accepting Strengths and Limitations

A core feature of filial maturity is the ability to hold two truths at once: 

1. parents have strengths, preferences, and autonomy; and 
2. they may also develop growing vulnerabilities

Both the parent and the adult child can struggle with these changing roles. Older adults often hold tightly to independence, while adult children focus on safety and day-to-day functioning. It can be a delicate balancing act. Some adult children may hesitate to step in even when medical or cognitive changes are apparent. Others may move too quickly, taking over, before it is truly necessary. Both reactions usually come from love coupled with uncertainty about facing new dynamics within the family. It’s important for both the parent and the adult child to approach decisions based on acceptance of the present reality, rather than on yearning for the past or on fear about the future.

Managing Emotions on All Sides

Filial maturity involves emotional regulation where the adult child can respond to present circumstances without becoming overwhelmed. Many families initially feel resistance to change, both from aging parents and from adult children. There may be guilt about stepping in, fear of overstepping, or denial that change is needed. Old family dynamics can resurface. Long-held tensions may rise to the surface.

Yet as support systems take shape and trust grows, many families experience the quiet power of simply being there for one another. Relationships can begin to transform from control and correction toward partnership, empathy, and compassion.

Respecting Autonomy While Providing Support

One of the most challenging aspects of aging is the gradual shift in decision-making. Safety concerns may require family involvement, while older adults often worry about losing control of their lives.

Filial maturity helps families walk this tightrope by encouraging:

• Listening before directing
• Offering choices whenever possible
• Explaining concerns rather than issuing demands
• Recognizing the parent’s right to preferences, even when those preferences are difficult

This respectful approach can feel hard to maintain when urgency or anxiety is high. But when emotional balance is present, care becomes partnership rather than supervision, preserving dignity even in vulnerable moments.

Communicating with Clarity and Care

As the parent’s needs increase, communication becomes both more important and more sensitive. Topics such as finances, driving, living arrangements, and medical care carry emotional weight for everyone involved.

Filial maturity supports conversations that are both honest and compassionate when the opportunity for conversation exists. Those who embody this capacity are more likely to tolerate discomfort, remain grounded in respect, and approach difficult discussions with curiosity rather than control.

In practice, this often means using calm and respectful language, avoiding blame or shame, acknowledging a parent’s feelings, and framing concerns around shared goals such as safety and quality of life. These approaches help preserve trust at a time when families need it most.

Why Filial Maturity Matters

When filial maturity is present, caregiving tends to be more coordinated, less adversarial, and more emotionally safe for everyone involved. Adult children often experience less guilt and resentment. Parents feel more respected and understood. Decisions are made with greater cooperation. Without it, families can become stuck in power struggles, denial, or unresolved emotional patterns that complicate already challenging circumstances.

Filial maturity may not happen overnight. It often develops gradually through experience, reflection, and sometimes outside guidance. The ability to stay grounded while roles change, to offer support without losing perspective, and to approach aging as a shared human experience rather than a struggle for control is evidence of this emotional balance in action.

Jill Poser, founder and principal of Life Care Concierge of South Florida, premier nurse-led care advocacy and management practice, is a nationally recognized leader in Aging Life Care Management, Private Duty Home Care and Life Care Planning. With deep compassion and a patient centered, evidence-based approach to care, Jill empowers clients to age in place with dignity, safety, and a renewed sense of purpose—through care solutions that are as unique as the individuals themselves.